bittersweet-sin

2010-03-04T21:13:00.003+08:00

and so i picked the primary option. for i am about to post another meaningless entry today. oh, the joy. a random side note, tele-v is so overrated and passé. there's not one satisfactory entertainment or educational programme in that compact little box. it's always repeats of the same old shows reminding me just how much my life revolves around routines. if only they play repeats of my academic subjects, then probably every relevant information that i really need to retain will finally sink into my head and stay there, at least until november has elapsed. it sickens me that the entertainment channels are made up of mindless cartoons that unconsciously forces us to degrade ourselves to their shallow mentality. either that or the continuous blaring of the conventional music that has stayed on the charts for like a decade. it's not like the song lyrics are that meaningful and a boost to the universal bastard language. it's because of the annoying catchy tune that makes it popular. funny how popularity dominates every scene and aspect of the humankind despite how it only makes us develop into a more moronic and senseless society. i just went on urban dictionary again. it’s becoming my daily dose like the bible verse of the day. anyways there’s this hilarious definition of the word.

POPULAR

Someone who is glorified simply for his/her looks. Has a overall immature attitude and rejects people that they find unattractive or unpopular. The majority of people considered popular will go on to live out their life in the fast food industry due to the fact that they have an IQ below sixty and have contracted five or more STDs.

how ironic is it that everyone who prides on having many friends actually have none? it’s funny how emotions can make people desperate to want to be accepted and loved. they’d give anything in exchange for friends that are not true friends. and even some are unable to fully comprehend the term true friends. as long as the outside portray them to be somewhat popular despite the absolute contradiction of their heart and mind, they don’t mind securing friendship based only on a superficial level.

i’m rambling quite a bit aren’t i? this is about as bland and insipid as hearing the life story of some ancient life form. still, it surpasses talking about my life story or my day to day lifestyle. being able to survive through the day is already enough talk for me. there’s no need to recount the pointless events that is only going to linger in the back of my memory or sojourn in my head for the day. our brain can only retain so much information. all the useless and worthless junk will be obliterated just like computer data.

2010-03-03T20:18:00.002+08:00

konnichiwa. genki desu ka? no matter, this moment has finally rolled in after what seemed like a hearse crawl in my seemingly enslaved life but you should be rejoicing because i've succeeded in convincing myself to cease this five-insufferable-month-long hiatus of mine. hmm, after vomiting all that shit, i'm still in a quandary about the definite purpose of this supposedly personal little vicinity that i have been given in the cyberworld. i still cant shake off the irony of the situation. however, i'm not about to blab about it and get myself carried away. i'm uncertain of where to begin and as you can discern, i'm culling my words really carefully. and i'm not getting anywhere...perhaps i could enlighten you about my prosaic day but i really don't want to so let's not delve into it. oh, i just got on urban dictionary and looked up the word 'blog' and there's this wisecrack definition.

BLOG

n. Short for weblog.

A meandering, blatantly uninteresting online diary that gives the author the illusion that people are interested in their stupid, pathetic life.
Consists of such riveting entries as "homework sucks" and "I slept until noon today."

it's hilarious how urban dictionary provides definitions that are absolutely cynical and opposing. i think urban dictionary should be legalised and published, if there's such a thing. then all the future generations would be sarcastic and despicable little people when they grow up. what am i saying? anyways, there's a sizable amount of insight into my comeback post. i shall update tomorrow...or the day after tomorrow. no, maybe the week after tomorrow.

goodbye.

2009-09-15T16:15:00.005+08:00

hi. i'm writing to inform you that this blog will no longer be updated with entries. you could call it a hiatus but it's going to be a rather long hiatus before i will write anything more. this will be my final entry. until then, this blog will my source for uploading my sketches, stories and poems..and other things that i deem interesting and worthy. yeah. so, this is it. if this means anything, keep a look out for the other two navigating boxes on the left (the dude covered in hearts and the anime couple). i'll be adding some stuff soon. farewell.

high.

2009-09-14T12:02:00.007+08:00

booooooooooooo-ggggerrrrrrr. yeah. hello. ossu. genki desu ka? i'm très exhausted. hmm..exhausted is so overrated. i shall use debilitated then. anyhoo,..haven't written for quite some time. i've been sketching instead of studying..can't be bothered to anyways. oh yeah, i got a merit for my guitar exam. the most shocked person was my...guitar teacher. haha. because i didn't practice and even until the day before my exam began, she said i was horrible. well, it's hilarious...

and then, pooooff.

i found another addiction. yay for me. i'm not going to tell you. *sticks tongue out* um..um..i don't know what else to rant about. i always say that. well, my brain's all muggy. as you all know (just pretend you do even if you don't) i'm not a fan of rap. whooppee. i'm not fond of their lyrics which is always about girls, sex and money. but there's this particular song which i like. it's called, "someone I once knew" by dead celebrity status. go listen to it if you want to. well, my music tastes are different from others. you may like it or hate it. but i don't care anyways. yep. i guess that's all for today. jaa ne!

Vowing to never ever take crap from anyone anymore is the first step towards self-development.

confused. again.

2009-09-01T11:28:00.003+08:00

You confuse me. A lot.

Aug 15.

2009-08-15T00:18:00.005+08:00

I feel so frail. Been sick since Thursday. -.- Yeah. I can't think much right now. I've started on a new story project. It's titled, 'Forbidden: Beautiful Nightmare'. It's something like Twilight since it's Twiligfht insprired but I hope that it's better..

Sometimes I just wish you can understand my feelings.

Anguish.

2009-08-12T17:20:00.003+08:00

"A broken heart can hurt, but it's the memories that kill you"
I was venting out all my anger in this post earlier but it got obliterated. I guess that the thing was stopping me from posting that anguish-filled post to the public because I know that I'll regret it. Sighs.

August 3.

2009-08-03T16:53:00.005+08:00

"It hurts beyond physical pain—something you'll never understand."

I'm writing today. Yay. -.- It's August which means that the MT results will be out soon. In a pointless, worthless and foolish way, I'm hoping that I'll get at least a B3 so then there willl be no more MT for me. I've totally shut down on MT, haven't written anything in that language for months. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm also going to get my guitar exam results which I highly doubt that I'll pass. My english, math and physics tests have been quite satisfactory for me right now and I know that it won't be the same for the upcoming prelims lest the big O hence I'm indulging in anything that keeps me slightly motivated. The 'rents were at it again yesterday. Thank god I wasn't around to face the shit. Went to catch a movie...and came home like around 11. Realised I hadn't done Lit and got busted by Aljunied in the morning. -.-" Sighs..blogging isn't fun when there are tons of restrictions. Who cares if a blog has heaps of vulgarities? Then it's the reader's common sense to click on the red X button on the top right hand corner of the bloody screen. A blog is one's freedom to post whatever shit they want. It's their personal but public diary. The cyberworld is not reality (so why the heck must there be invisible laws and conditions?) It's nonsensical. Don't mind me. I'm rambling quite a bit.

Maybe things will get better once I'm gone.

Busy Me.

2009-07-24T23:21:00.003+08:00

It's been precisely 21 days since I updated this. The reason: I've been really busy. Every day, my supplementry ends around 5pm except for friday (which finishes at 3.45pm) and by the time I'm home, I'm utterly exhausted. It's crazy and killing me. To add on, monday's my guitar exam and I've got to leave school by 11.30am. Sighs. All this effort I'm putting in, it'd better been worth it. I'm going to Sydney in November after my examinations...but I don't feel like going there at all. I don't know what's with the sudden change of heart. It must be the scorching weather. The heatwave is getting to me. Um, what else can I blab about?...hmmm...oh yeah, I look like C-R-A-P in this photo.

Hot And Cold.

2009-07-03T17:37:00.000+08:00

Hello. So this is my foremost entry for July. I'm not sure if I can find the time to write more but we'll see. Yesterday was oral for me at BPSS. The school's better than mine but I guess life's never fair. And I've just found out that my LC would be on the same day as my guitar exam which means I've got to leave school early, rush to funan for the exam and rush back to school for another exam. I'm still wondering when disease will hit me. Anyways, school is a drag. I can't wait to get out of there - get out of here too and go far, far away. (to Korea or Australia/US to live with my cousins ^ ^) So...I'm trying out this new thing - potrait sketching. I've been sketching a lot of animes (well, a lot would be an overstatement. I've about thirteen in my album.) I'm going to far east on Monday because I really need a day out...but I haven't ask my dad yet. -.-" I'm going to make him buy another B&J tub of ice cream :) Then I can wallow up in my sorrow with it and gain weight. Sighs...I don't even eat much and I'm a fucking buffalo.

June 9.

2009-06-09T11:52:00.006+08:00

3 more days to go. Then it's the end of the supplemetary lessons. 2nd week into the june 'holidays' and I'm barely alive. My cousin and aunt have gone back to Australia. I can't wait for O levels to be over because then I'll be going to Australia and for the concert in december. Can't wait. Had oral today and A was like, "conversation and reading no problem but you got to brush up on your description skills." -.-" Why the hell is picture decription even part of the oral?! What can you describe about a picture that has nothing much about it at all?! It's irrational.

They tell me to hold on. What am i holding on to?

♥ Korean moment.

Today, today. Nothing special.

2009-06-04T03:08:00.000+08:00

Went to school today for supps. I'm so glad that the science camp has finally ended. 1st period was english then the lit workshop at some club. Saw KF and CH before I left. At the club, there were like tons of people form different schools (there was a cute guy too) and me and P didn't pay much attention but instead made new friends. -.-" Yeah, so there. I've nothing much to say. Went for guitar at 5 then went to east coast because my aunt wanted to eat satay before she goes back to Australia. So, we walked around the beach until like 11, then my mom drove to mt faber for no reason and we went to the jewels..some luxurious place there. The toilet alone was damn beautiful (I want that to be my future toilet. LOL.) and then we went to the bar to drink...came back at about 2 and won't be able to wake up for tmr's supp. -.-"

I can't to move on but I don't want to wait forever. I dont' know what to do.

the entrance

there's a frickin sofa in there

the full glass window is see through from outside at night

& the table has an aquarium underneath!

To live, it hurts

2009-06-03T23:31:00.002+08:00

Well, I'm back here today to write another post. I know I've been gone for quite a long time especially on msn but I see no purpose to go online actually. My life has been immersed with a lot of things. At least I could find this few minutes to spare for this pathetic blog of mine. I'm so dead tired and going to collapse any moment from this dire lack of sleep and constant hounding of those old folks. I'm hoping, no begging to get at least a B3 for my mt o levels so that I needn't retake. I can't tolerate anymore mt. Oh please, no more. Give me a break. Now, with that temporarily out of the way, I've got to prepare for my o level orals and guitar exam in July. Sighs...I don't wish to go home anymore because it's starting to be a hellhouse. I'm so sick and tired. I wish that you would just spare a considerate thought for me. I know you have your own problems but just stop taking them out on me. I'm not your punching bag. I already have a hefty load on my shoulders and in my mind. Please, don't burden me anymore. Just let me be alone and I'll fix my own problems. I may take the wrong way out but things don't solve miraculously by themselves overnight. It takes time. I know that there's a lot of flaws in me and I know of my addiction but I'm not stupid enough to execute out what you perspected. I just want peace and comfort.

When will I be free from this loneliness?

Raging Beast.

2009-05-06T20:35:00.003+08:00

"I can't take it much longer."

Shut up. Just shut the fuck up! Leave me the fuck alone!!! I don’t need anyone in my fucking life at all!! All of you just get the fuck out and leave me the hell alone!! You don’t know me at all and I am not going to let anyone in anymore so GET OUT!!! I’m so fucking sick and tired of putting up with these stupid, pointless acts! I don’t see why the hell I have to please all of you and be wary of your feelings!!! Why the fuck did I give a damn?! Just let me live my own life. Stop butting in because I do not need anyone. I’m fine on my own!

At times I feel I'm losing control
Like I'm out of my mind, going insane
This rage I hold so close, this fear
Is turning rage to fury and fear to hate

The life I wish I had, the one I often craved
You took it all, you took my life away
I kept my hatred, my rage suppressed inside
Now you’re playing with fire and I’m about to blow

I dodged every rebuke that you spewed out
I tried to contain myself before anything else
You’re skating on thin ice, you’ve reached my limit
Better back off before I unleash your personal hell

A flash
A flare
I'm burnt
And scarred

When you can’t find a reason, sure blame it on me
Isn’t it fun to try and break me and rip me apart?
You yell and scream and shout your lungs out
Then punch and smash and smack to get my secrets out

My body’s starving and you think I did it on purpose
But you don’t know that it’s a disease that’s killing me
My wrists bleed red for I cut to distract myself from you
You think it's just a cry for help but I wish to end this life

I numbed my heart, forced myself to be cold
Bottled up everything, kept it hidden from the world
I am not myself; surely even you can see
It’s this raging beast that’s taking over me

Can't be saved.

2009-04-20T20:00:00.007+08:00

(Poem composed by me):

Anxiety holds a tight grip on me
Ana is starving me for perfection
Misery loves my solitary company
And self-harm serves as a distraction

Apathy kept me from falling apart
Depression just won't let me go
And with pent-up emotions inside of me
I’m getting ready to blow

I thought they were all my friends
For they kept me alive while I was alone
I realized I was just a prisoner trapped
They fed on me till I became just bones

Still, I have no way out of their grasps
I’ve fallen victim to life’s cruel game
They took away my family and my friends
And I know things for me will never be the same

Counting calories, I'm gaining control now.

Pro-Ana.

2009-04-13T17:24:00.007+08:00

"There's nothing wrong with me. Really. I just hate the person I see in the mirror."

Inside I was broken
Damaged and worn
My insides were bleeding
As if touched by a thorn

My limbs were like jelly
Collapsing with each stride
The pins and needles stinging
Not something I could hide

Gurgle, the only message
For me to understand
That my stomach was begging
For food to take its stand

Breaking down each day
As thoughts run through my head
What is the point of this?
I may as well be dead

Turned to more deadly deeds
To take away this pain
Just to make things worse
Depressed and so insane

No matter what I did
No matter what I thought
It all came back to living
And I was so distraught

Self harmed a million times
Wishing I was dead
Could not feel the pain
I was numb instead

Sang myself to sleep
With melody confined
Each sad song is a memory
Of times that have passed by

Made a wish to see
A life with joy, less pain
But what was around the corner
Was what I could not tame

A monster runs my body
These scars were once made deep
Judgmental and defensive
Ana has made me weak

I guess I'm just addicted to destroying that girl in the mirror. She deserves all the punishment I'm inflicting on her.

Cutting Addiction.

2009-04-07T19:10:00.006+08:00

"I can't help it. I'm addicted."

(Imperfection - Skillet)

You're worth so much, it'll never be enough
To see what you have to give
How beautiful you are, yet seem so far
From everything you're wanting to be
You're wanting to be

Tears falling down again
Tears falling down...

You fall on your knees, you beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else?
For all the times I hate myself
Your failures devour your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection

You mean so much that heaven would touch
The face of humankind for you
How special you are, you revel in your day
You're fearfully and wonderfully made
You're wonderfully made

Tears falling down again
Come let the healing begin

You fall on your knees, you beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else?
For all the times I hate myself
Your failures devour your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection

You're worth so much, so easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else
No one escapes, every breath we take
Dealing with our own skeletons, skeletons

You fall on your knees, you beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else?
For all the times I hate myself
Your failures devour your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection

Won't you believe, yeah
Won't you believe, yeah
All the things I see in you

You're not the only one
You're not the only one
Drowning in imperfection

The trick is to keep breathing...shut out the world and seal your heart so you will remain emotionless.

Self-hate.

2009-04-05T19:39:00.009+08:00

An overwhelming sensation of hatred pours into my eyes
As I stare at this person that causes me so much pain
She looks at me and just sighs
Wondering what happened to make my face so plain

She asks me why my eyes look so empty, so desperate
They've cried all that they can cry, there's nothing left in them
They feel the pain my heart feels, such a painful way
Keeping all these emotions bottled up, they are lost inside

She says she can see right through me
She knows I’m not happy, she knows what I do
She watches me and that rusted blade
She watches the blood drip and slowly fade

This girl that stares at me all day
Is just another reflection that watches my every move
And hopes that someone, someday
Will come rescue me from my self inflicted hell

This stupid reflection is messing with my head
It’s taking over my confidence, my self esteem
She slowly lifts her head for her eyes to meet with mine
She has one last question so I can come clean

Why do you always dress in black? She asks
I’m mourning, I answer, with tears running down my face
Who are you mourning? She asks
Myself...I answer once more

I'll carve my apologies on my wrists, and let the guilt drip down my fingertips.

Back with sorrow.

2009-04-02T18:36:00.008+08:00

Hello. Well, I'm back after almost 2 weeks of not blogging. Truthfully, I have nothing to say at all. Words have dissipated from my mind. There’s no word that could describe what I’m feeling right now.

Emotion
–noun

1. A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling.
2. A state of mental agitation or disturbance.
3. The part of the consciousness that involves feeling; sensibility.
4. The emotions of joy, sorrow, reverence, hate, and love.

"He spoke unsteadily in a voice that betrayed his emotion."
"The very essence of literature is the war between emotion and intellect." (Isaac Bashevis)

Somebody help me. I really need help. There’s something wrong with me. I’m not myself anymore. I can’t go back. It’s eating me alive. Irrational thoughts are overwhelming inside. I’m anxious, I’m afraid. Scratch those thoughts. Forget what I said. I’m absolutely fine. Really. Just leave me alone. Don’t take a step closer or else I’ll let go. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anything. I just want...I don’t know what I want. I just need one reason. One. There’s blood trickling down my arm and yet I don't feel a thing. I want to be good enough. I want please you. But I’m cursed with imperfections and flaws that you keep reminding me of. I can’t hold on much longer. The strings are snapping. I’m going to let go. The only way out of this will be suicide because I can’t try any harder. I’ve been doing my best. I want to forget the bitter and horrible past but the memories are embedded deep within and have been haunting me throughout the years. But, I’m fine. Believe me. I’m okay. It’s easier to play pretend because I can temporarily be normal again.

You can't kill what you can't feel. It wouldn't sting, It won't break. I'm just a face..that needs no name.

Guitar.

2009-03-21T12:14:00.002+08:00

I have finally mastered Lucky by Jason Mraz Ft. Colbie Caillat, Tongue Tied & When I'm With You by Faber Drive, Secret Valentine by We The Kings, Love Story by Taylor Swift, In Another Life by The Veronicas, Emotionless & Hold On by Good Charlotte and Broken by Seether Ft. Amy Lee on my classical guitar. Sweet. Next, I'll be starting to master more songs on my electric guitar.

Pain and lies. Cuts and bruises. So this is what I've become - dead inside.

Emotionless.

2009-03-20T11:29:00.004+08:00

(Emotionless - Good Charlotte):

It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life
It's not okay, but we're all right

I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive

I guess it's true. Bad habits will never change. I thought that I could forgive you for what happened in the past but I can't. No matter how you try to make it up to me, I'll always remember those hurtful times. It's not easy to forget. People talk loads of bullshit. Trying to tell me to forgive and forget but how can you forget when you never forgive? How can you forgive when you can't forget the bitter past? If the past is meant to be buried, then you shouldn't be appearing in my present and future. You don't know what I'm hiding, you don't know me at all. You just assume the worst. But if you had been here with us, you would know at least one shit. Why stop me from my death when you're partly driving me to it? It's my life, I'll do whatever fuck I want with it. You can't shape me and force me to live what you desire because I'm not going to anymore. I'm so sick and tired of trying to be nice and start anew. You don't deserve it.

My heart is not a heart, but a cage. And fake smiles are just a camouflage, for what resembles rage.

Break Blues.

2009-03-19T10:47:00.008+08:00

What a way to spend the week's break. Supplementary classes and straight to the hospital until 8pm. My grandmother has been there since Sunday and she is still unconscious. Slowly falling into a coma-like state, they had thought of putting her into the ICU. But they didn’t. Who could bear to see and old lady live on machines with more needles piercing through her wrinkled flesh? My other grandmother is also in hospital but I can’t visit her because she’s not living in Singapore. I haven’t even got the time to start on the brimming pile of homework. So yesterday I made my trip to TTSH again...The guy is still there. I think it’s his mother on the bed next to us. His siblings arrived in the evening, they exchanged some words and then they were in tears again. I think his mother is going to go soon. Seems like the same scene that happened with my grandfather has struck his...There were more people though, church people and they were praying for her. Any-hoo, I walked around Novena Square and Square 2 for a while. There were a lot of ‘mats’ and I say that with a disgusted tone in my voice. Stare at me like they have never seen me before (well, of course they haven’t seen me before...) but why must they frigging STARE?! Got a problem with the way I dress?! Got a problem with me?! Grrrr..... frigging retarded.

I'll take every hit, it will tear me apart and you will never know...I bleed to know I'm still alive.

Save You.

2009-03-16T21:29:00.003+08:00

(Save You - Simple Plan):

When I hear your voice it's drowning in the whispers
You're just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take and no matter what I do
I can't make you feel better

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up til it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

It actually hurts to see you on the hospital bed with the IV bag hanging right next to you. The needles are everywhere, piercing through your skin. And it's sad that you can't feel a thing, can't even say a word. What's more pathetic is that you can't even open your mouth, to let us know that you're in a lot of pain. You see us and we're just a blur in your mind. You can't even recognise us or remember us, is it something you deserve? Something so minor became something quite somber. I just don't wish for you to end up with the same fate like my grandpa. One by one, you're leaving us in the most cruel way...this is not the way for you to live your numbered days. It's just so unjust and unfair. If I could, I would take your place for I deserve this instead of you. I'm a sinner, an imperfection and you're just a weak elderly folk with so many illnesses.

My Confession: Depression

2009-03-13T21:01:00.006+08:00

(Poem composed by me):

The colours in this dimly lit world fades to gray
As the remnants of my broken heart, slowly fade away
My weary eyes fall upon a wilting rose
Its once red blossom dies as my sorrow grows

Feeling sad and alone as this freezing wind blows
Plagued by nightmares which no one else knows
The crippled rose wilts away day by day
Whilst further from my life's path I stray

The rose lies beside me, its head drooping down
In this night's darkness it soon will drown
I feel the rain gently touching my cold, pale face
Even the sky is crying for me and my disgrace

I hear water drops as they hit this frozen ground
As I’m left alone in this horrid place to which I’m bound
My eyes shed tears, but my weeping makes no sound
I long for someone yet I don’t wish to be found

The trees around me seem somehow ready to attack
But even if they would, I’m too weak to react
For I feel drained from all strength and will I lack
My reasons are gone and they’re not coming back

I remember the times I used to have a beating heart
But all is gone banished by this poisoned dart
And all I had has been cruelly ripped apart
Leaving me unwilling to take another start

When fierce storms embraced me, feathers used to fall
Nothing would stand in my way when I heard your call
Not even monsters or your own fortress’s wall
Justice had always prevailed over all

I don’t know what happened - why you sent me away
You wouldn’t even let me help you find your way
“You are worthless to me now and that’s all there is to say.”
I still feel the hatred in the words you said that day

You summoned demons and locked the door
You made sure that you won’t see me anymore
I felt something being torn apart deep inside my core
Knowing that now I’m just a “something” you abhor

I couldn’t make you change your mind and so I let you be
My eyes were burning with tears and so I could no more see
Shortly my white beautiful wings were taken from me
I could no more fly; I could no longer feel free

So that day I fell in my flight ending in this place
Where spiders crawl upon me avoiding my ashen face
And my heart started beating in this numbed pace
My halo broke as I’m left alone in this disgrace

Like a marionette, you pulled me by the strings
Pain and torment is what this world brings
Even as the slits on my wrist bleed and stings
No amount of pain can mend these broken wings

I’m finally giving up. I told myself to hold on to that minute hope but I can’t wait any longer. As each day passes by, this heart is turning numb. There’s no such thing as love as I’ve finally come to realize. Love is something one fantasizes in the mind. Because when one feels lonely or they have been constantly hurt by others, they yearn to be loved – for someone to make them live again. But now I finally understand that there’s no one to bring me to life, give me a reason to continue on living so I shall continue on this journey alone since death won’t accept me yet. I shall hide in the darkness and isolation – suicidal yet again. Depression is a disorder that will never heal.

Idols.

2009-03-10T17:26:00.014+08:00

My Top 2 Idols:

Billy Martin, guitarist of Good Charlotte. Why is he my number 1 idol you ask? He inspired me to play the guitar...that's why I stopped my violin lessons. Good Charlotte is also the first band I came to love as their music and lyrics were something I could relate to...

Coming in 2nd is Ryan Ross, guitarist and lyricist of Panic At The Disco. I absolutely love his self-decorated eye makeup and he is really, really talented. He plays quite a number of instruments. Also, I admire the fact that he sacrificed his academics to pursue a music career, something which is only a fad (he actually dropped out of med school and he was in his 2nd year...)

I don't really idolise lead singers much because I like guys who plays an instrument, notably the guitar..lol. Even guitarists can sing well so that's not much of a talent. These two idols of mine are also hot...lols because they're quiet and shy and, and they have good hair. Sadly, as age had caught up with them and they're no longer emo and goth... :(

Here's a video I made about emo boys. Don't think questions...just watch. It's a lot of work you know to make a video...yeah...so watch it.

RRR-Rant No. 5

2009-03-10T16:17:00.005+08:00

So yesterday I was THIS CLOSE to getting caught by Uncle Sam. LOL. He walked past my class and thankfully, he didn't go in. Otherwise, I'd probably lost my lenses, headband, itouch and earrings...He already frigging confi-ed 4 of my earrings (2 of which cost me a mini bomb) and for 3 whole years of hiding away from him, he finally knows my name now. Yet, he still refers to me 'young lady'... o.o retarded fella. Any-hoo, my favourite word...yeah so, the frigging lit teacher has never once give me a pass for my tests and exams...Is a frigging pass too much to ask for?! Always fail me by 1 bloody mark...ONE!!! damn bloody chicken feet, knn, nb, cb, shitass @#$^%!!!!! I've tried my very best to analyse the damn poem, give a few bombastic words some more and she still can't pass me. There's no right or wrong in literature goddamit...unless it is related to the book...which is not at all! Grrr...that's me growling like a monstrous bear. Any-hoo again, after school, I was shivering like fuck...but I loved the weather. My teeth were literally chattering and thankfully Carina was there to warm me up in the canteen. Wished I wasn't such a cold-blooded creature...then, I wasted my youth outside the dance room just to get those retarded attendance marks for CCA. Finally, I went back to the hellhouse I call home at 5.45 and fortunately, I survived by hiding myself in my bedroom. However, received hell this morning as I had slept with the earpiece in my ears while the itouch was plugged into the operating power point (secretly, I was actually attempting my own suicide...) -.-'' There, I’m getting a headache now for thinking too much...so I hope this rant is enough for my loyal readers...LOL.

& everytime I think I might be getting over you, I'd see you walk by and just like everytime before...I'd fall for you again

Confessions of my broken heart.

2009-03-07T23:26:00.012+08:00

I need a break from this anger I’ve been feeling
Hate's a bitter pill too hard to swallow all inside
Like forcing down thousands of pieces of broken glass
Making cuts that bleed right through to the other side

Pain is another feeling that’s hard to swallow
I’m just invisible to everyone all around me
I’m too lost in this depression to be saved
Hiding behind this wall which I’ve built in front of me

Pushing aside all those disorders and imperfections
I keep saying there’s nothing wrong with me
People believe every shit I say but when they come closer
I can’t explain all the cuts and scars that’s on me

I want to forget every memory I have
I can’t go on with these broken emotions
Because I have no energy left in me
To fight the pent up, undesired emotions

Broken home, broken heart, broken trust
My heart’s filled with regrets and despair
There’s nothing’s left for me to salvage
There’s nothing I can do and they don’t even care

...And I guess I like you, well I really do
But too bad fate won’t compromise
And I was foolish enough to fall for you
I guess I’ve caused my own demise

...And I tried to be perfect, meet up to your expectations
But I guess I’ll never be good enough for you
If my death can open your eyes and make you realise
I’d go through with it; I’d suicide for the both of you

You know I love you, I really do. But I can't fight anymore for you. And I don't know, maybe we'll be together again. Sometime…in another life.

I want to scream until no sound comes out and you've learned your lesson. I want to swallow these pills to get to sleep. So I don't have to make a bad impression...I need to start to be myself, 'cause I'm sick of everybody else. I won't let you bring me down. It's here and now I'm breaking out. I will learn to love again. But I will stand a broken man...

I'm heavily broken and I don't know what to do. Can't you see that I'm choking and I can't even move. When there's nothing left to say, what can you do? I'm heavily broken and there's nothing I can do...

Paper Heart

2009-03-06T22:00:00.002+08:00

Today was...unexpected. A lot of interesting things happened but I'm too lethargic to elaborate. So I apologise for the lack of entries these past few days. *yawns* It's only 10 and I'm drowsy. Sigh, I really don't know what to say now. My mind's filled with loads of pain and sadness. No matter how many times I write about my torment, it still doesn't change the fact that I'm suffering. No one can see that, no one can help...only me and even I can't save myself.

Please just don't play with me. My paper heart will bleed. This wait for destiny won't do. Be with me, please i beseech you...

Brrrrr! It's cold.

2009-03-03T18:48:00.014+08:00

Hi. Today was the best weather ever. No extreme heat, no sun. Just pure rain and cold wind. It was practically freezing cold that my teeth chattered. LOL. No, seriously. Still, I prefer it over the evil sun. I'm a bit heliophobic as I said in my last entry...no I'm not a vampire. (although I do like vampire-ish emo dudes.) Any-hoo, the periods before reccess were all fucked up as there were tests one after another...chem, poa and math. WTF right?! Well, I'm prepared to fail them all. Gosh, I really need to keep up. Last year, I aced like everything and this year, I seem to have dropped a bit. I guess there's just too much clogging up my mind. Awfully lethargic and full of headaches...I wish I would stop looking so pale and weak. Haiz...can't be bothered to finish up my homework...owed my teachers quite a fair bit. But I just can't seem to focus on subjects that'll just add on to my mind and give me even worse headaches...and also with my guitar exam just around the corner...sigh.

If only you would look my way and smile...

GRRRR...untitled.

2009-03-02T21:29:00.009+08:00

Stayed back last Friday...again. I seem to be doing that every week and it's becoming a permanent habit. Want to know the reason why I didn’t go home instead last Friday? Well, it’s kind of embarrassing...they had this dumb fogging thing going on in my block and I daren’t go home for fear that there’ll be half-dead/drunk cockroaches around. (last year there were like 3 live roaches in my house and I had to sit outside on the bench until my mom came home and execute them for me. LOL) Yep, there’s my insectophobia. I just can’t stand cockroaches. They absolutely disgust me...especially the flying ones. OMG. I can feel the goosebumps right now. LOL.

Any-hoo. Back to my story...so there I was sitting down in solace when CH came and invaded the peace zone. LOL. Retarded fella wanted to frigging spit on me! WTF! He ended up spitting on the floor and got caught my Mr Y... -.-" The fella then blamed me for his stupidity. -.-" Hung out with A...another retarded fella. LOL. Got herself caught for spraying colour on her hair... -.-" However, the day had to end badly just like every other day except that the particular day was ruined by these bunch of lower sec retards. Like fuck you ppl. Who the fuck do you ppl think are?! Technical retards who can’t even hold a decent conversation with me. I ignored whatever shit you said abt me but no way in hell am I letting go that particular fucking word you spewed at me. Sundal! That’s what you fucking called me right?! And how dare you fucking say it’s just for fun?! Just because you show such disrespect on ppl of your age doesn’t mean you can put one on me!! You don’t even fucking know me let alone my name and you’re a good two years below! You call me a sundal?! Look at yourself in the mirror first. Look at what your mom gave birth to...I shan’t even continue. If faults are what you want to find with me, faults I shall give then. You want a sundal?! Go to geylang, you fugly faggot!! I despise that faggot face of yours you know. Makes me want to deliver a fucking tight slap. You can just go burn in hell. (I don’t even think hell wants you.)

Okay. I’m done with that vent. Hmm...today. Today, I pinned up my fringe and KF laughed at me... -.-" he guffawed and even spewed out his drink to put that point across. WTH. Stupid retarded DM. I want human rights. I want fringe rights. I demand rights to have emo/scene hair in school. LOL. Like that’ll ever happen. The school rules are really dumb. It’s good enough I’m studying and these aren’t affecting my learning at all. It’s just the retarded school’s obsession with glory and wanting a good rep. Like that’ll ever happen. O.o

& all I can do is admire you secretly...

Confusion.

2009-02-24T16:27:00.004+08:00

You're confusing me, baby...

...and I'm confused of my feelings.

Here's another one of my sketches. It's suckish, I know. I edited it a bit...no, made it darker so you can see the lines properly. Sorry about it...the lighting sucked vagina and I sketched kinda lightly..

Insanity.

2009-02-21T21:04:00.007+08:00

Mental Status: Insanity
I’m mentally unstable. I’m going insane. I can’t think straight. Here I go again. Fuck, I keep speaking in rhymes. No, no, no...this isn’t going to be another poem. Shit, why is all this shit clogging up my brain? I need to...GOT TO PUSH IT ALL AWAY!!! Got to empty my mind and disregard the world...forget about love. Forget about life and everything that’s trouble. Ignore the world and just hide in my shell. I’m falling...falling into the darkness once again. Overwhelmed by insanity, engulfed in pain. Fuck, there I go again with another frigging rhyme! I give up...on life. Yes, I keep saying that. I can’t hold on much longer. This life, MY life is a load of shit. A hell hole. Nothing ever works out right for me. History keeps recapitulating itself and I’m experiencing the same thing, the same ache and the same pain all over again. It’s tearing my heart into bits, splitting my mind apart and killing me slowly from inside. Playing with insanity, I’m losing myself. So, now that you know about my metal instability, are you going to be the retarded fool who’ll provoke me? If so, be prepared to face my emotional instability. It seems that I have another disorder at hand; I’m bipolar. I’m also philophobic, heliophobic, insectophobic, cibophobic (not bulimic) and depressive...whether you believe it or not. So hate me for my imperfection...sorry I'm not perfect. I'm never perfect for anyone and never will be so fuck perfection. I'm alone in this world anyways.

Walking time bomb

2009-02-18T17:50:00.005+08:00

Poem (composed by me):

Blood shot eyes
I’m so lost and sad
So tired and dead
I'm so pissed off, mad

Dragging myself
Across the floor
So weak and sick
I can't live anymore

I'm so messed up
Fucked up and broken
In too deep to be saved
I’m ripped wide open

In bed, at night I struggle
Fighting the demons inside of me
The truth they speak is agonizing
When knowing it’s what I'll never be

For I never will be perfect
I was born with all of these flaws
Never will somebody love me
For I will just remain a lost cause

Breaking every second
I realize that I’ll never revive
Dead, battered, and broken
I still smile on the outside

You think I am breathing
You think I am fine
But inside I am gasping
And losing my mind

I’m down on my knees
It hurts every day
I’m losing control
I’m also losing my way

Do you see this smile
So huge upon my face
My eyes are big and sparkling
Everything seems in its place

I'll bet you didn't know
As I close my bedroom door
There's something I've been hiding
I let it out as I fall to the floor

The secret I've been hiding
The one that I hide best
I never wanted you to worry
Oh, I'm horribly depressed

To be something you're not
To pretend each and everyday
To lie to every person you meet
Saying that you are okay.

To know that you are so broken
Not being able to tell a friend
Because you have all the problems
Which none of them can mend

To go home each night
Crying yourself to sleep
None of them even know
Why you have become so weak

Keep smiling on the outside
Just make them think that you’re okay
Make them think you’re happy
Force yourself to pretend each day

They are always so oblivious
They can’t see that I’ve died
They cannot see the truth
Of all the pain that lies inside.

To be with friends of light
Who are always so strong
Who don’t have to pretend
For nothing’s ever wrong

They're happy, they're real
They're always standing tall
I guess some people
Some people just have it all

Tormented Soul

2009-02-18T17:26:00.004+08:00

Poem (composed by me):

Numb from the many years of pain
Pale as the blood that leaves a stain
Breathless as you run away
Exhausted as you await the next day

Emptiness that fills your life will not depart
The unbearable pain still lives in your heart
Broken by all the tragic memories
Lost in all of your miseries

Forgotten and left behind
Struggling to control your mind
Begging for your shattered heart to mend
Keep praying for the agony to end

Dying slowly inside again
Nothing but skin and bones remain
Caught between life and death
Awaiting that final breath

Tales of your life engraved on your skin
Emotions hidden deep within
Once you were so sure
Now uncertainty and pain you continue to endure

Something inside of you is crying out
Living life in constant doubt
Mistakes that you'll take to your grave
You are in too deep for anyone to save

Imperfection

2009-02-17T20:06:00.008+08:00

Why are you pushing me away, like I’m not good enough...can’t you just accept I’m not perfect, can’t you just accept I’m not okay...maybe if you would have stood up for me, I would not be where I am today. I probably wouldn’t be so broken, I probably wouldn’t be so dead inside and over my wrists we wouldn’t have this war...if only you had kept me safe. I hate myself, I hate my life. I hate knowing that I made you cry. I hate to see that we’re drifting so far apart, strangers altogether. It's always silence...fucking silence which speaks volumes. And all I can think about is how there is nothing left for me to live for. You don’t know how each time we fight; I’m on the very edge of falling. I wish I could change the way I am, to be your perfect creation...maybe then I’d make you proud. I do sink every hurtful word you say deep inside my bleeding heart. You don’t know how much this heart has hurt and you don’t know how much more I can take. You only think of your pain and make sure I realise it but I wait on the very day when you’ll realise how hard my life is, how much I’ve suffered. I’ve always wanted to run away but how far can I go? I can’t run away from my problems because they’ll just keep haunting me so I’d always wish on shooting stars to take my life away and yet I still wake up the very next day. Can’t you see that I’m doing this all for you...I strive so hard to achieve your goals but it gets me nothing in the end...can’t you see that I’m not smart...that I’m stupid and flawed? I’m so tired of this charade, so sick of trying to fix my life. Now, just stop trying to connect us strangers because it’ll just hurt me even more. I’m fighting this war alone in my life with this big hole in my heart.

Too late

2009-02-16T16:42:00.006+08:00

"Please forgive me." Not.
(Poem composed by me):

Why weren't you there
Why didn't you even care
The scars deep inside
I just threw them aside

I pretended that things were okay
When they were actually in disarray
I was left alone, all filled up with hate
Years have passed, now it's all too late

I sewed myself shut from you
Now you can't break me, you can't push through
You don't mean anything to me anymore
You're just a prisoner of your own war

I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

RRR-Rant No. 4

2009-02-13T22:09:00.006+08:00

Wahoo...another frigging rant from me. Okay, so today my retarded school kinda celebrated valentine’s day...oh, and I went back to my old hairstyle again...frick yeah. So, I slacked a lot in class and chat shit with my friend. Notice the singular in the word there...well it tells you how close I am with my classmates. I don’t talk a lot unless I really know the person...Does that put me in the shy and quiet category? Whatever. LOL. I’m used to being judged. Moving on, I want to give my thanks to Dorna for the rose...didn’t get to wish you so here it is: Happy v-day, Dorna. However, that rose made people ask who gave it to me. (see how people are so judgmental?..they thought that it was given by some admirer or bf...o.o) I do apologise for bursting your bubbles because this year, it’s a lonely valentine’s day for me. Oooh, oooh…um, I lost my train of thoughts for a moment there. Um, oh yeah, I stayed back today...for fun because I didn’t want to go home so I stayed until 6. A lot of interesting things happened...I sketched more than two pictures in those four hours. (I shall post it up someday) And then, and then, uhh...kinda hung out with ariffah...o.O LMAO. And...uhh, *changes the subject entirely* Disney sucks...vagina. I’m so sick of it. They feed us viewers with lies of happy endings and romance. It’s all so fake. It’s bullshit. A load of crap. Because in truth, none of these happens in reality. It’s always the same old storyline: Girl likes boy. Boy asks girl out. Boy and girl becomes a couple. And voila, there you have it. A perfect ending...all done in 30 minutes. How retarded is that? It’s so dumb. Where’s the part where the girl gets broken-hearted or the long hard work she has to do to get the guy to notice her? Or the guy rejects her flat out and she kills herself? LOL. That’s too extreme...but seriously, Disney just sucks. They only want to make money out of these ugly, whiny, high-pitched, slutty teen actresses like Miley Cyrus, Hilary Duff, Selena Gomez...just to name a few. These people CAN’T sing and act and they make millions. Where’s Hilary Duff now after Disney kicked her ass out and replaced her with Miley Cyrus? And where is Miley’s rise in fame now that Selena Gomez has also stepped into the limelight? Also, the Jonas Brothers. They suck...that’s all I can say. Initially, when they were signed on by Columbia, they were nothing more than those ordinary boy bands. They were not famous. After Disney took them in and gave them a spot in Camp Rock, their popularity skyrocketed overnight. But is it because of their talent or is it because of Disney’s huge influence on the viewers? Don’t even get me started on High School Musical and Cheetah Girls. They are way too old to act in Disney. Screw the television network, Disney and MTV. All hail the Internet. LOL.

Foolishly falling for you, not realising that you're falling for her.

Secret valentine

2009-02-12T15:42:00.006+08:00

I absolutely love this song. It’s called Secret Valentine by We The Kings. Watch the video...It’s Vampire Knight based on ZeroxYuki. (oh, and Zero rocks by the way. I heart him. LOL...though he’s a fictional character)

Screw this heart of mine

2009-02-12T15:00:00.001+08:00

Screw puberty, teenhood, hormones and emotions...but most of all; screw this stupid heart of mine.

Poem (composed by me):

It’s just those days I’m wishing for a fantasy to become reality
Someone to wipe my tears and heal my pain and scars
To hold me close and brighten up my life
I just need your love

Sick of this loneliness that embraces me each time
I just want to love and be loved by someone
To know that I have someone to live for
A reason to keep living and breathing

Because I’ve lost everything when my heart shattered
And now I just want to come out of the darkness
To start anew, no longer hiding from the world
I just want a day of genuine happiness

Because I can’t go on soaking up all the pain in silence
For my heart and soul can’t take it anymore
Because I have no one left in this world
I have no energy and will left in me

Videos

2009-02-12T14:07:00.000+08:00

Here's some videos that are my favourites because they rock. But before you do anything, pause the music first...you know the player that's in black and red. Then, play the vids. I muted them so increase the volumes. Also note that you got to wait for them to load. So first up, we have Kevin and Liam doing a party mix.

Now, we have Colton. I must say that he's really funny and I've watched all his videos. I love his hair though now he's cut it and it's no more emo...or alternative as he calls it. Wish he did not like cut it off though. The first one's him ranting about...stuff...

LOL. He kept flipping his hair over and over again...

And this one's hawt and funny...

I deserve it

2009-02-12T13:00:00.006+08:00

Well, maybe I deserve this.

Just so tired of waiting for something that will never happen
Because nothing could be more painful
Than sitting right next to that person
And knowing that you can never have them

Just so tired of this charade
I can repeat it over and over again
Yet still know in the back of my mind
I'll never be able to let go

It hurts to like someone who'll never like you...

RRR-Rant No. 3

2009-02-11T18:39:00.017+08:00

Hi. It’s me…again. Well, technically not again since it’s my blog and yerp…I have no idea what I’m on about. Well, guessed what? I pin up my bangs. LOL. Yeah, you heard me. Kristie actually pin up her bangs. Who’d ever see that day come? Well, it came...like today. Yeah, so it felt funny, like my face was exposed to everyone. It was a bit uncomfortable actually because I’m so used to hiding behind my bangs, hidden from the world but thanks to the DM, I had to comply since I didn’t want to lose my hair. He actually caught me yesterday, for my hair, my earrings, my contacts and my shoes...though, I sneaked back one of my earrings when he wasn’t looking. Yeah, so that’s the epic tale of my new hairstyle...though I won’t be keeping it for long because it looks way shitty on me. I look like frigging fugly. Well, seeing as I already am ugly so with the addition of this, I’ll be fugly. LOL.

So, the day to Valentine’s Day is getting closer and closer and closer...and I’m dreading for it to come. I wish I could skip school on the eve because it’ll frigging hurt...to see everyone happy and flaunting their relationship for the whole world to see, forgetting that there are others who aren’t as happy as they can be. Why is there even such a day? It’s so cruel...this world...is so dark, cold and cynical. This life is so hard to live. Everyday is a struggle. A struggle to be stronger and to keep up...to force the will to live another day...hoping that tomorrow will be the end, yet it’s always a brand new day. And as the day turns into night, in between, there’s always something or someone that will ruin an already fucked up day. And no matter how angry or sad the emotions that run in me, I will always force that smile on my face...force that “I’m okay” out of my mouth...even when I’m not. This life...is just too complicated for words.

I can't just up and tell you how i feel
It's not that simple for me
Because if you know what's inside of my head
That's just enough to break me
But...I won't let you break me

Shove this letter up your a**

2009-02-09T21:51:00.006+08:00

Stop picking on me or any of my friends, you frigging old hag. Who the hell do you think you are? You are the one, in fact who’s victimizing me so stop trying to save your own ass. It's all shriveled up anyways. I’m so sick of you trying to ruin part of my life. You’re not a part of it so get the fuck out. Your words will not bring me down nor affect me, bitch so just save your breath. You think that by picking on me and humiliating me, I will change? I didn’t even do a frigging thing. So what if I keep mum during your classes? It’s my own mouth. I don’t see the need to contribute during your lessons because all you’re waiting for is to mock me. You think that just because you had that stupid ‘personal’ talk with me, you know all the fuck about me?! You fucking know shit so don’t act like you have control on me or you own me. Go ahead and write a bad report on me, you think I give a frigging damn?! I’m getting out of there anyways. I only see you once a week and only for two periods so how’s that frigging proof much? You’re not the one who’s going to mark my O level paper so I don’t fucking care what you say. Look yourself in the mirror; you’re the one who’s being biased and hypocritical. You have the choice of leaving me the fuck alone or picking on me and you chose the latter so you pay the consequences.

Don’t blame me when I exploded on you or show you an attitude because you’re the one who pushed me over the edge, by mocking me and insulting me. Don’t fucking bring my mother into the matter; she deserves way more respect than you’ll ever get from me. I was close to punching your shitface at that point of time, I’ll admit that but that’ll satisfy you to the max right?! Because then I’ll get kicked out and you won’t have to see my fucking face anymore! But, why don’t you fucking retire?! You think you’re so fucking loved?! The reason why I took that subject not because of you! I never asked you to be my teacher, I expected another one but unfortunately, you had fucking spoil it all. Don’t expect me to come back and thank you for teaching me because you taught me shit. Don’t expect a fucking teacher’s day gift from me because you’ll never get one. I regretted giving you one last year because even though you were mean to me, you picked on me and you even mocked me, I still gave you a present atop of the other teachers but you’re the epitome of a self-conceited human being who deserves NOT to be given a second chance. Don’t say that you tried to tolerate me because I’ve never spoken a word to you for months. I was the one who kept my golden mouth shut. So here’s my fucking letter to you. You asked me to write you one right?! Here it is. Published in pure black and white!!! You can shove it up your ass!

Bummer. I'm sick.

2009-02-02T18:12:00.009+08:00

Hey guys, I’m doing another rant as you can see. Well, today isn’t a good day for me because I’m, well...sick. And it sucks. A lot. As quoted by Colton, "My throat is like…bahhh. My head is like bahhh. The sheep was like bahhh..." My head is like going to explode any moment and the dizziness just keeps breezing in and out of my head. And I’m still sick. We had this like retarded temperature taking exercise this morning, in school and my thermometer beeped at 37.8°C. So what I did was reset the thermometer and took it again. This time, I removed it when it was like at 37°C and got away with it. How retarded can teachers be? Unfortunately, karma got back at me and throughout the day, my temperature kept on rising until it was like 38.9°C. So, I couldn’t take it anymore and I skipped CCA, again. Hopefully the DM doesn’t catch me but whatever. The doctor gave me like 3 days MC because apparently, my temperature rose above 39°C. And I got the shock of my life when the lady gave me the bill. She was like yapping about one of the meds which was most expensive. I just didn’t have the energy to like say anything to her. I knew I shouldn’t have not eaten yesterday but I had absolutely no appetite. I lost like, 2 kilos today. And sadly, I’m still sick. Well, if tomorrow I’m feeling like slightly better, I shall go for that stupid English workshop after school. Hallelujah. I’m going to get piles of homework on Thursday. Frickin’ fan-fucking-tastic! Shit. Shit. Piles of cow shit.

Oh yeah. Want to see the sketch I did of Zero? It sucks but keep your comments to yourself, if you will. My head doesn’t need anymore headaches. And finally, ‘happy’ birthday to my lil’ sis.

Retarded Survey

2009-02-01T22:26:00.003+08:00

This is a really, reaaallyy long survey a friend of mine asked me to do. I don’t know why on earth I’m even doing this. LOL. I’ve never like done a survey this LONG but whatever. Well, here it goes.

Basic

I'm sorry but i have to know your name before this is over, what is it?
Kristie.. -.-''

Do people call you by your real name, or a nickname?
Depends.. I’m Kris if they’re lazy to pronounce the whole thing or if they’re close friends/family..

What color are your eyes?
See for yourself..

Why are you, you?
Are you kidding me? I’m me b/c I’m not others.. -.-''

When’s your birthday?
21 Apr..

What’s your zodiac sign?
Taurus..

Are you a righty or lefty?
I write with my left but do stuff with my right.. make sense?.. o.o

Are you an only child?
Unfortunately no.. I have a ‘little’ sister..

Random

My first survey........think you can handle it?
Well, I got through the first category..

Don't you hate it when they ask for "the basics"?
You just asked me the basics.. -.-''

Who do you like? (don't worry, i won't tell)
-.-'' of course you won’t b/c ppl can see it for themselves..

So how’s life?
Sucks vagina..

Do you cuss?
OH HELL YES!

Do you have your permit/license yet?
Nope..

Are you listening to music?
Yep..

What song is it, and who is it by?
Hmm...apparently, it’s Champagne by Senses Fail..

What color is your........shirt?
Black..

So why are you doing my survey on this fine day?
B/c you asked me to.. -.-''

Do you sniff markers/glue?
Nope. I’m clean as fuck.

Do you want to die?
Honestly, yes.

What were you doing before this?
Sketching Zero Kiryu..

Where are you right now?
At home, in my bedroom.. -.-''

What are you thinking about right now?
When the hell this survey is going to end..

Have you ever been to Mexico?
Wow.. random much? Nope..

Romance

What’s your orientation?
Frigging straight..

Are you in a relationship now?
Nope..

Do you have a crush on anyone?
Maybe..

Are you with this person? If not, why?
No.. that’s why it’s called a crush.. -.-''

Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex?
Nope..

Ever had someone of the same sex crushing on you?
Apparently, yes. I went to an all-girls primary school.. what do you expect?..

Would you fall in love with a boy younger than you?
Only a year younger..

If someone had a crush on you what would be the easiest way to let you know?
Well, he should just tell me straight b/c I don’t bite..

Do you like pet names (ex: baby, sweetheart...)?
O.o You’ve got to be kidding me.. XD

Is there anything you won't tolerate while in a relationship?
Lies..

What is one thing that you value most in a relationship?
Trust..

Would you ever be able to handle a long-distance situation?
When I go through one, I’ll tell you..

Best love quote?
“Somewhere in those moments we shared, in between our fights and stupid jokes, I fell in love.”

Friends

Best?
None..

How many do you have?
Too lazy to count..

Name 2 guys
Chin Heng & Kwok Feng..

Name 2 girls
Dorna & Poorvena..

This Or That

Shoes or Barefeet?
Shoes..

Books or Movies?
Both.. more on books though b/c I rather imagine the characters..

Halloween or Christmas?
I’d pick Halloween anytime..

Guitar or Drums?
Guitar, of course..

Dark or Light?
Darkness..

Snow or Sun?
I want snow.. the sun is evil!

Pepsi or Coke?
None.. don’t drink much soft drinks..

Guys or Girls?
Both.. though I hate bitches and girls with loads of drama..

Swim or Surf?
None.. I’m tan enough.. XD

Myspace or Facebook?
I’d say both..

Death or Life?
Death..

Favorites

Color?
Black and red..

Holiday?
School hols XD b/c they’re long..

Season?
Sadly, there’s only one frigging season here: Hell. lols..

Movie?
Nightmare before Christmas, Corspe Bride…etc

Book?
Vampire Kisses, Twilight, Harry Potter, Confessions of Georgia Nicolson…etc

TV Show?
Supernatural..

Band?
Too many to list down..

Anime/Manga?
VAMPIRE KNIGHT!!

Tops?
Band shirts, printed/graphic tees or vintage tees..

Bottoms?
Skinnies..

Shoes?
Converse..

Word/Phrase?
Frigging retarded..

More Random Stuff

Piercings?
Currently, I have 8.. heh.

Tattoos?
None. I like to draw on my wrist with black pen though XD

Smoke?
Nope..

Drink?
I drink water..

Skinny Dip?
Never will.. That’s like dumb.. -.-''

Greatest Fear?
Cockroaches and falling in love..

How many songs in your mp3?
Over 1000..

Ever eaten sushi?
You can’t pay me enough to eat seaweed..

Best advice given?
Can’t rmb..

Worst advice given?
“Don’t worry, life will get better.” -.-'' Hah. It never did. What a load of bull..

What quote says most about your life?
“My life is falling apart before my very eyes, and there's nothing I can do about it.”

Describe life in 4 words?
Um.. Everyday is a struggle..

What’s the worst thing anyone can say to you when you’re mad?
“Are you okay?” -.-'' Do I frigging look okay to you?!

Finally

Glad that this is over?
Oh fucking hell yes! Now I can rest my dainty little fingers..

Playlist

2009-01-28T19:48:00.007+08:00

I don’t know what to trash about today so maybe I shall talk about music. Do you want to know what kind of music I listen to? Lol. Well, I’m sure you do so here’s a whole list of them—my all-time favourite bands. I listen mostly to bands although if you take a look at my itouch; if you even get the chance to be in the two-metre range before I slap your butt out of that invisible circle that encloses my player, I do have Japanese, Korean, R&B music, etc…that’s also stored in there. Yep, so I shall list down the names of my all-time favourite bands and then list you the top 10 songs which are currently my daily dose of energy booster at the moment.

30 seconds to mars. 3oh!3. the academy is. afi. aiden. akissforjersey. alert all arms. alesana. alexisonfire. all time low. all shall perish. alter bridge. amber pacific. anberlin. apocalyptica. arch enemy. as cities burn. as i lay dying. attack attack!. atreyu. avenged sevenfold. avril lavigne. behemoth. belphegor. between the trees. blessthefall. boys like girls. breaking benjamin. breathe carolina. bullet for my valentine. bring me the horizon. cash cash. chiodos. cute is what we aim for. dance gavin dance. danger radio. a day to remember. the devil wears prada. disturbed. drop dead gorgeous. dungeon elite [**]. enter shikari. escape the fate. envy on the coast. evanescence. the fall of troy. flyleaf. forever the sickest kids. four letter lie. the friday night boys. from autumn to ashes. from first to last. funeral for a friend. good charlotte. green day. halifax. the hand me down kids. hawthorne heights. head automatica. hellogoodbye. hey monday. him. hit the lights. holiday parade. hollywood undead. i killed the prom queen. jack’s mannequin. kill hannah. linkin park. lostprophets. lovehatehero. madina lake. marilyn manson. mayday parade. metro station. my american heart. my chemical romance. owl city. panic at the disco. papa roach. paramore. parkway drive. pierce the veil. pendulum. quietdrive. the red jumpsuit apparatus. rise against. rookie of the year. saosin. scary kids scaring kids. secondhand serenade. seether. senses fail. shiny toy guns. silverstein. simple plan. skillet. a skylit drive. something corporate. the spill canvas. stereo skyline. story of the year. sugarcult. taking back sunday. a thorn for every the heart. three days grace. underoath. the urgency. the used. vanna. we the kings.

&& there’s more but then I’ll never end so I shall stop here…for now. XD

*drumroll* zis vil ve vy zop zen zongs vich is current-zly invazing vy vrain…heee =D (sorry, I had a momentary lapse and went un-Kristie like) So, so, here it goes:

1. I Kissed A Girl – Attack Attack! (it’s way better than Katy. Oops!)
2. Starstrukk – 3oh!3 (what can i say. it’s a hawt song.)
3. Boys! Grab Your Guns – My American Heart
4. 6 months – Hey Monday (i hear it everyday b/c i’m mastering the guitar chords in order to teach Dorna how to play it. lol.)
5. The word ‘Best Friend’ Becomes Redefined – Chiodos (addicted to the vocals.)
6. Love Story – Rain (gahh..)
7. Ever Fallen In Love – The Stiff Dylans (haha. lyrics says it all.)
8. The Last Night – Skillet (beautiful lyrics.)
9. Imperfection – Skillet (lyrics totally says it all.)
10. Champagne – Senses Fail (about life and all.)

RRR-Rant No. 2

2009-01-27T14:58:00.001+08:00

Hello guys, I'm in a ranting mode right now so this is going to be another RANT.

Okay. So I've just noticed that the bus service in Singapore is lousy. SBS (Singapore Bus Service) as they call it but I feel that they’re better off known as ‘So Bloody Slow’. Seriously, it takes them ages to get the bus out of its parking lot and reach the first stop at the bus interchange let alone, reach a bus stop that’s outside. And even when they drive at the minimal speed limit, they can’t seem to even stop at a bus stop. They’ll only stop if someone in the bus rings the bell or if someone flags the bus down. For example, about three days ago, I was in the bus and the driver was driving well, like reaaallly slowww...and then we passed this bus stop, this particular bus stop. There were like, two guys and a girl, I think they were Korean because they didn’t look like locals. Okay, so this was what happened. The bus driver, who looked like he was about to fall asleep on the wheel, didn’t even like tried to stop the bus and the three people at the bus stop were like momentarily confused and they made a move to approach the bus but the driver just drove off. He just frickin’ drove off! What kind of frickin’ service is that? Imagine waiting for a bus for like half an hour and when it arrives, the bus just doesn’t stop and drives away and you’d have to wait for another frickin’ half an hour for the next bus to arrive!

Speaking of the lousy mode of transport here, the MRT is another one I’m going to rant about. Every single frickin’ day, the carriages are sardine-packed with people especially in the evenings, around five. At five o-frickin’-clock in the evenings. It’s so retarded, especially since I’m not like a tall person and then some man who’s like way taller than me, comes and stands like really close to me and then he lifts his arm up for support and I’ll have to face his underarms (gross). Either that or face the wall...and get suffocated by the lack of air seeing that everyone’s all squashed up in the train. Don’t even get me started on taxis. The fare is retarded-ly so frickin’ high. It’s even more than a day’s allowance if I want to travel from my school to orchard and back home. I really hate Singapore. I can’t wait to get out of here even though I must say that we are not the only country that is like that. There are others too. But whatever.

Next, what else can I rant about…I really can’t think right now. I’ve run out of ideas. Ack! Oh well, I shall end it here then. I’ll be baaackk.......for a third one.

RRR-Rant

2009-01-26T18:54:00.007+08:00

Okay, so today I’m going to rant, about anything. None of my usual vents or poems. Nope, just a rant. No edits or whatsoever.

So, I’m going to start off with racial slurs. It’s funny how people can insult their race but we can’t insult them. For example, the N word. You would’ve heard them a lot in rappers songs. They label that word as a racial slur however, ‘they’, referring to the African American people, are the only people who can use the word. Here for example, the kids label the B word as a racial slur however the Indian kids use the word on people of their own race and yet we, people of the opposed race can’t even say the word! How frickin’ ironic is that? People are just so dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Okay, next topic: um...okay, I’ve got one. People who stare at me when I’m outside. If you’re not a guy checking me out and you stare at me, you piss me off. Example, parents and the elderly folks, you’ve got a problem with the way I dress? Really, it’s frickin’ irritating when people just stare at me. It feels like I’m being scrutinized. I mean, c’mon, you can’t be frickin’ checking me out right? Unless you’re like a lesbian or into teen freaks. Also, little kids staring at me, I’m not an insect you know or a Halloween decoration. I have feelings too, you know…*sob, sob*

Okay, so moving on, um…emo posers out there, well, in here…in Singapore I guess. If you think you might be one, please don’t announce it worldwide. No one wants to know how emo you are. I can see it alone from your attire, music taste and hair. And please guys, if you want to be emo, please, please get the HAIR. If your hair’s curly, get a straightener and straighten it up, grow out your bangs, get layers and spike the back up or don’t spike the back up...whichever suits you best. I’m not going to tell you how to be emo because you can get them off the Internet (that’s what the cyber world is for anyway) and also the minahs, ah lians, mats and ah bengs…I’ve got something to say to you. You people frickin’ suck. You guys aren’t emo and never will be one because you already have labels on yourselves so please stop being a wannabe because you’re just ruining the emo and scene image. No one wears skinnies with slippers, dammit. You wear them with converse, vans, slip-ons or flats. And puh-lease…don’t try to cover your eyes with your bangs if you don’t know the meaning behind doing that action because you wouldn’t want to spoil your eyesight at such a young age. And for guys who want to be emo, have the balls to put on a little eyeliner. It’s cool like that. Lol.

Well, this is a preeety long rant so I guess I’m going to end it right…here.

Leave Me Alone

2009-01-24T19:20:00.004+08:00

Stop pretending like you fucking know me because you DON'T. You know nothing about me because if you did, you would not be letting me down and piercing words deep into my heart. I am sick and tired of trusting you. A little trust I give, and you climb over my head. You don't deserve me at all. I am so fucking sick of talking and being nice to everyone. You will never change. No one does. All they do is talk shit and preach crap but they do not have the guts to act out what they say. Run away like the cowards that you are. Each time, you piss me off, you'd hide in that fucking hole of yours and pretend like nothing happened once I've cooled down.

Why don't you have the guts to face me?! To bitch in front of my fucking face. Stop trying to make me feel better because you are actually making me feel worse and more pissed. Since you know nuts about me, here am I telling you to STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! Don't pretend that you do not want me to die because behind my back, you'd curse me death. You're just pathetic cowards and I'm so sick of pretending like nothing's wrong. Just leave me the fuck alone. Stop feeding me your lies and whatnot. I do not want to be a part of your sick ass lives.

Notice

2009-01-20T19:49:00.003+08:00

Soon readers, soon

I know that reading chains of words and angsty poems on my blog may be rather dull and retarded, blinding even to some of your eyes but whatever. I guess that I shall now put that 'my stuff' section to good use. Umm...let's see what I can put up there. Maybe I shall post up my stories and some of my sketches there. I usually sketch anime and emo goth stuff though. If you don't like it or if you think I'm too dark and negative, you can fuck off. :D

I don't need haters polluting my blog, thank you. I also play guitar...so maybe I can record a few covers on video or do a vlog. Well...see how it goes. The realistic question here is whether I have the time to do them. For my stories, they are in the process of evolution. I'm currently experiencing writer's block for a few of them. So hopefully, after a few more chapters, I'll have them up for view. Do note that my stories are focused on teenage romance and some are fanfictions so if you're not a fan of it, I suggest don't bother reading them because you'll just have nasty things to comment about—shit that I don't want to hear.

Thrown in all directions

2009-01-11T00:16:00.002+08:00

My academic future after the O levels: clouded
Where the hell should I proceed to after my GCEs? Ngee Ann polytechnic? Sure it is my first and foremost choice but which courses to select? Everything just seem so interesting. Initially, I had thought to just aim for the molecular biotechnology course since it's a ticket to my dream career as a crime scene investigator or forensic scientist but after seeing all the other courses' demonstrations—the walk-throughs and guided tours, I just had to keep my options wide open. In doing so, I've become more perplexed than I had been. I wish I could do them all but I forced myself to choose at least five and so I've narrowed my list down to molecular biotechnology (still #1 on my list), biomedical science, mass communication and biomedical engineering.

Notice how the courses I'd picked are mostly in the science field and one in the language field? Well, I was actually thinking of taking business studies so I could take over my dad's business in the future but I didn't want to risk it because it doesn't interest me as much as it did before; for one moment your company could be doing so well and the next, it could be on the brink of bankruptcy. So, I opted for science instead since the subject of science does fascinate me and I'm already studying all three sciences in secondary school. I also added mass communication to my list because I fancy english and literature.

Also, I had plan to further my studies in any of the colleges in the UK after I've completed my three years in the polytechnic. Again, there's a whole lot to choose from. So far, I was thinking of cambridge (though I'm not smart enough to get there), warwick, king's college, coventry, bristol and plymouth. So to get that bloody far, I guess I'd have to study my ass off but right now, I'd just let the chips fall where they may. All I know is that, I'm not going to JC because no way in hell am I going to study malay again. I'd rather learn japanese or french.

Traitor

2009-01-08T12:07:00.001+08:00

Poem (composed by me):

I won’t put up with your shit anymore
This is it my last straw you have pulled
Never again will we ever be the same
For I will no longer be fooled

You say that you're not like them
Then you do everything they do
You hurt me without thinking twice
What kind of person are you?

You’d say sorry when you piss me off
But then you’d commit the same crime again
I’m not going to be that person who listens anymore
Because this time I'll leave you in the pouring rain

You’d hate everyone in this goddamn world
But before you go and speak trash about my friends
Look at yourself first because you’re no different
If you want people to start respecting you, go and fucking make amends

I’ll never give my friends up for you
Because you don't deserve anything from me
You're nothing but a fucking hypocrite
So don't knock on my door seeking sympathy

Fuck school

2009-01-07T23:10:00.002+08:00

Headlines read: 2009 is bullshit

Fuck school. I hate it so. I can't wait to leave. Call it nine months but it seems like an eternity. I'm so sick of it. My class feels like a penitentiary. I've lost people that kept me sane and happy. Left with people whom I can’t trust; just waiting to use me like a tissue and bitch behind my back. But who the fuck gives a damn what they think? Pathetic humans don’t deserve kindness and respect. They deserve ignorance and karma. I can’t wait to get out of this place; out of this goddamn country. Why couldn’t I be a fucking year younger?

Nothing but pain

2009-01-05T17:04:00.003+08:00

Because I’m a failure in life, all the bottled-up hurt keeps exploding. I’m just a walking time bomb. I'm losing sight of all the things I wanted and I don't know how I came to be in this situation. I never meant to be a burden but that seems to be my destiny. Yet again I'm falling fast for a guy that's not the one and I keep losing track of who I have become. Everything always gets taken away from me and nothing ever goes right for me. I wish for things to be a bliss for me for I don't want to find comfort with my friend, Blade. So alone and lonely like always, envying those with family and friends to hold on to.

To pretend like it’s all okay. To wear that happy mask each and every fucking day. To stop the tears that keeps begging to fall and to hide the pain and sorrow from all. How did I go on when things got bad? And why am I stuck in perpetual angst? It doesn't seem like anyone should have to live their life this way so what have I done to make this price too high to pay? Smothered in depression and solitude, what’s a suicidal got to do? Give me that pill that will make it all better. The one that will turn back time, grant me stronger shoulders so that I can bear this burden and stop being the problem. Give me hope, someone to hold on to. I can’t go on in solitude anymore. I need someone to give me the strength and courage to carry on with this life. Redo life so I can make things better.

Where were you

2009-01-04T16:22:00.005+08:00

This is about you again. I’ve been erasing them all but now I can't stop until I’m rid of this pain. I always wonder where the hell you are, though I never said it aloud. You strained the communication since you’re too proud to admit anything. I tried talking and writing but nothing worked because you’d just blame me for everything. I may be a failure, I may be a freak. Call me whatever you want but I’m sick of your bullshit. Maybe for once, you should sit back and see; realise that what you did was not only hurting me.

There’s no love, only hatred and fear filling the walls deep within. I can’t see you as anything more than just a stranger to me. It’s not my fault if I get angsty, don’t blame me if I’m upset. Don’t start acting like you cared because you weren’t there when you had the chance. So don’t pretend that you know me. You know nothing about me.

It’s none of your concern if I do irrational things when you yourself could inflict one on me. You don’t own me. I understand the situation and the fucked up conditions so why do you keep hiding them from me? You assume you know my feelings but you’re wrong. You think that you could just come to me and unleash your anguish on me but there’s only so much I can take. You’d advice me to give a thought about others before myself but look yourself in your reflection; I see a hypocrite in disguise. If I had a choice; I would have left a time ago. However, there’s no such thing as choice in this world, because everything that happens is pre-destined by my maker.

Two Heartbeats and Red Sins

2008-11-11T18:44:00.002+08:00

Two Heartbeats and Red Sins

Shaking in red, in red, in red
To the edge of the dream, of the dream
We can’t be separated

Already, every time when I’m stifled to death after I give up again and again
My emotions that have no place to go wake me up
Your flawless smile knows it’s an existence
So distant that it’s cruel

Even though the incurable wound only eats away at my heart
Even now I can’t completely hold back my thoughts (that dwell) (within) the darkness

Shaking in red, in red, in red
To the edge of the dream, of the dream
We met; destiny begins to turn
A secret that no one, no one knows about
I fall, I fall, I fall
I certainly can’t return anymore, even if I carve out my my sins

While I was walking in the abyss of loneliness, I was saved
By realistic eyes that never change
But a shadow born as the light is bright
Deeply and pronouncedly creeps up to me

The two heartbeats are exactly like mirrors facing each other
The (pains) are similar (but) different and continue infinitely

Burning in red, in red, in red
Erasing everything, everything
An unfulfilled illusion begins to move
Strongly, strongly
Overcoming, overcoming, overcoming the fleeting night
I certainly can’t escape, even if I drown in my sins

Shaking in red, in red, in red
To the edge of the dream, of the dream
We met; destiny begins to turn
A secret that no one, no one knows about
I fall, I fall, I fall
I certainly can’t return anymore, even if I carve out my my sins

Futatsu no Kodou to Akai Tsumi

2008-11-10T19:02:00.001+08:00

Yuuki x Kaname

Yuuki x Zero
(I support YxZ all the way)

Futatsu no Kodou to Akai Tsumi

Akaku akaku akaku yurete
Yume no yume no hate e
Hanarerarenai

Mou nando mo akiramete wa oshikorosu tabi
Ikiba no nai kanjou ga me o samashiteku
Kegare no nai sono hohoemi zankoku na hodo
Tooi sonzai da to wakaru yo

Ienai kizu kokoro mushibamu dake na no ni
Yami no (naka ni) ima mo (yadoru) omoi o osaekirenai

Akaku akaku akaku yurete
Yume no yume no hate e
Deatte shimatta unmei ga mawaridasu
Dare mo dare mo shiranai himitsu
Ochite ochite ochite
Mou modorenai tsumi o kizande mo kitto

Kodoku no fuchi arukinagara sukuwarete ita
Donna toki mo kawaranai riaru na hitomi
Demo hikari ga mabushii hodo umareru kage wa
Fukaku irokoku shinobiyoru yo

Futatsu no kodou maru de awase kagami no you ni
Niteru (keredo) chigau (itami) mugen ni tsuzuite iku

Akaku akaku akaku moete
Subete subete keshite
Kanau koto no nai maboroshi ga ugokidasu
Tsuyoku tsuyoku hakanai yoru o
Koete koete koete
Nogarerarenai tsumi ni oborete mo kitto

Akaku akaku akaku yurete
Yume no yume no hate e
Deatte shimatta unmei ga mawaridasu
Dare mo dare mo shiranai himitsu
Ochite ochite ochite
Mou modorenai tsumi o kizande mo kitto

Philophobia is the new black

2008-10-29T16:55:00.004+08:00

It's official: I'm diagnosed with Philophobia.

Awfully lethargic. When is it all going to end? I wish the time would slow down and come to a pause for just a moment. I want to savour each and every waking moment rather than let it all pass by at the fastest speed. It's a never-ending routine. I'm so sick of it all.

I'm okay, I swear

2008-10-22T18:14:00.006+08:00

Poem (composed by me):

I’m full of anger
I’m full of pain
And I’m sitting here
In the pouring rain

Waiting for you
To one day care
Wishing one day
You would truly care

I won’t be a burden
Anymore in your life
I’ll pierce my heart deep
With this sharp knife

And as I lay here dead
On this fucking floor
I hope you will be happy
I won’t bother you no more

I don't need all this bullshit because this world is full of hypocrites. And I don't need your pity because I hate you. I don't need to feel emotion because they’re the root of my misery. I don't need friends for the road of friendship is a dead end. I don't need this stupid heart, I wish that I could just rip it apart. I don't need anyone. So fuck off because I'm fine. I'll take care of myself. I don't need shit from you or anyone else.

The freakshow

2008-10-21T11:19:00.000+08:00

Poem (composed by me):

All around me, I keep seeing happy faces
It sucks because I’ll just give them a fake smile
Plastic giggles and pretense laughter
I want out of reality just for a while

Behind my smile, behind my laughters
You’ll never see the genuine tears
My heart and soul has been in a terrible state
And today is the worst state I’ve been in years

I never wanted to keep feeling this way
Sure my smiles had been so fake
But my bloodied tears were real, so real
I don’t know how much more pain I can take

The pain, the hurt and all the regrets
This is not how I wanted it all to be
I don't want to feel like this anymore
But I can’t run away from me

I want to scream out loud, I want to get it out
So sick of all this shit I’ve been tolerating
I can’t keep going on like this forever
I just want to run away, away from everything

I wish I could stop the tears
That stream down my face each night
Wishing for death, sweet death
For only death can make things right

My heart, my life ripped apart from inside
The cuts are no match for the emotional pain
Cutting myself open so deep that I bleed red
My problems form and it starts all over again

Sure I'll tell my best friend what's going in my life
But they’re lies that hides the truth of what I’m feeling
Why bother telling her and sharing all of my troubles
When I know she just pretends to be listening

People gossip, people whisper and they’ll just stare at me
Inside their superficial heads, I know what they’re thinking
What a freak! Look! Another weirdo
Get away. Don’t come close to that ‘thing’

So why won’t they just leave me alone
If am just a freakshow for them to see
Guess they just want someone to bitch about
And the bitch of the month is me

The girl nobody knew

2008-10-20T22:07:00.002+08:00

Poem (composed by Kristina):

There is a girl I know,
Who is hurt deep within.
A girl who is sad,
But keeps a smile on her face.

She had so many problems,
That nobody knew about.
She was the girl with depression,
The one who was suicidal.

The girl everyone was mean to,
But she pretended it didn't hurt.
The girl who was hated for being herself,
The one who loved everyone else.

A girl whose own family didn't like her,
The girl who got abused.
She was the girl who didn't have any friends,
The girl everyone just used.

She was the girl who bled a lot,
The one who’d slit her wrists.
The girl that everyone called emo,
Cause she wore all black everyday.

She never let her feelings show though,
She always hid them inside her heart.
Never cried in front of anyone,
Cause she acted like she was strong.

Silence meant everything,
But no one else could see,
Only she knows what it means,
Cause she hides it from everyone.

She hides the truth about her life,
Hide her scars with striped arm warmers.
Tears start to fall down her face,
And she would just wipe them away.

She smiles like she’s okay,
And laugh like she’s not hurt,
Walks around with her head up high,
Just hoping no one will notice it’s all a lie.

She prays everyday that she would die,
Cause this world is too much for her to take,
She would turn on a sad song,
And cry herself to sleep each night.

She was the girl nobody really knew,
The girl who’d cried herself to sleep.
I know this girl way too well,
Because this girl is me.

The story of aurora delacroix

2008-10-19T21:43:00.000+08:00

The sun had vanished from view; dissipated into the horizon yet she remains there, hugging her knees to her chest, just staring blankly at the surroundings. She was in the park—the park where she always wandered off to whenever she needed a break from reality. It was also the place where she had met him for the first time. She remembered distinctly—two broken souls seeking comfort from the cold-hearted world. They had sat underneath the overgrown tree, openly confiding with each other like they had known each other for a long time. Soon after, friends became lovers and on the bark of the overgrown tree—where they had frequently seek security in—was a carving of their initials in a heart as they vowed eternal love.

The downpour continued on endlessly, like the tears that streamed down her broken face. Aurora Delacroix kept a firm grip onto the memories of him, replaying them in her mind over and over again. The fond memories which she shared with him gradually turned into an everlasting nightmare—one which will never fade. Fool. Aurora, you stupid fool. How could you ever thought that for one fleeting moment he loved you? Now look at what he has done. You should have listened when you had the chance but no, you trusted him over everyone.

Sadness welled up deep inside her body. Her emotions were bleak and dry. She looked back to when she had thought the love they shared was so surreal. She adored him so much. She saw through the pain that he had caused her over the years. She pushed back his hurtful insults because he was her life. Her song. He was hers. He was the only thing that kept her awake to each brand new day. He always kept her from falling off the edge. She was so lovely before he was through with her. Her eyes held all the youthful secrets of the world. Locked deep within her mature body was the urge to skip through the meadows, plucking each sun-caressed flower that tickled her fancy. That was what she loved, almost as much as she loved him. The park which possessed her soul was glorious at any hour of the day, and she gazed at the surrounding for hours, dreaming of romantic tales, secretly wishing he would bring them to life. Her wish never came though. Her heart turned hollow when she discovered she was just a trophy in a betting game.

In her hand, lay a stalk of a long-stemmed rose. Shutting her eyes, she savoured the brief moment of joy the flowers gave her. She then set to work. Bringing the stem close to her skin, she grazed it deep. With each stroke, the thorns tore at her delicate skin, allowing deep slits to appear. She watched them flow for a moment, the red liquid plaguing her ashen skin, yet she felt no pain. Her heart had suffered too much for her to feel the stings of the sharp little spikes. More and more she took in the slits the thorns gave her. When she dug in deeply, the small thorns would rip her arms open. A single thorn could do no damage, but after time passed, she felt lightheaded, and noticed her clothes were soaking with her own blood.

Just then, she heard his beautiful voice calling her name. “Aurora. Aurora, my dear.”

“Caleb?” Aurora scrambled to her feet and turned around, feeling a rush of dizziness that overcame her. Stumbling, she backed away from him but he caught her and pulled back her up. “No. It’s not you. It can’t be you. I must be dreaming.”

“Aurora! It’s me, Caleb! Caleb Vigil!” he shook her hard to wake her out of her trance.

Looking down at her blood-stained clothes and the bloodied wounds on her arms, he wrapped her tightly in his arms, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. “Aurora. Why did you do this to yourself? I love you and I always do. I really didn’t kiss Lindsay! She kissed me. And about the bet—”

“Stop, Caleb. Stop. You don’t love me,” she said bitterly, tears streaming down her face and mingling with the rainwater. “You’re just like all of them.”

“But I never expected to fall for you,” he whispered, pulling her in close. “When I first met you here, I knew you were in so much pain and I just wanted to erase them all away. I tried to pull out of the bet but—”

She snorted.

“I really love you Aurora," he pleaded with her, desperate for her understanding. “I love you.”

“SHUT UP!" she screamed, backing away from him and crouched down on the ground. “STOP IT! STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT LOVE!”

“No. Please.” he pulled her up and hugged her tightly.

Aurora attempted to struggle, then surrendered and gave in to the hug. She never really meant to break out of his warm embrace anyway.

“Why?” she whispered. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I love you.” Caleb murmured in reply, running a hand down her back.

She shook her head. “No, please. Stop saying that.”

If he continued saying that, she knew that she would make a fool of her herself again, for she truly loved him. At first, she was head over heel with his jet black hair, the bangs that swept over his beautiful blue eyes. Then, as he told her more of himself, she discovered that there had always been something else behind the pretty face. She loved him; she loved his ego, over-protectiveness, stubbornness, sense of humor and sensitivity.

“Do you regret it?” he spoke then, through the dull and numbing pounding of rain.

“What?” she whispered hoarsely.

He tightened his arms around her as if he was afraid that she was going to leave. Leaning in dangerously close, his lips met hers and they kissed with a burning passion, both never wanting to let go. They could sense every inch of pain and suffering deep inside each other.

Pulling away slowly, he asked the dreaded questions, struggling to hold back the tears that were starting to escape from his eyes. “Do you regret getting to know me? Do you regret every kiss and hug we shared? Do you regret being with me? Do you regret loving me?”

She inhaled deeply, and looked up. His face was turned away and his eyes were squeezed shut as tears escaped from under his eyelids. She cupped his face in her hands, standing on her tiptoes as he supported her against his body.

“Look at me,” she commanded.

He opened his eyes and met her mesmerizing and enthralling dark ones.

“Do you really love me?” she whispered, eyes desperately searching for truth.

“Yes.”

He was not lying. Aurora exhaled loudly. He really did love her. But what if he was just a really good liar, so good that even his eyes hid the truth now? Should she take the risk? Should she accept the man she loved and treasured more than life? She smiled sadly.

She then picked up the rose which she left on the ground and inhaled the sweet scent one last time. He had bought her a bouquet of roses…once. With one last sigh she whispered, “I love you too, Caleb. But I’m truly sorry. We’ll meet in afterlife.”

Before he could fully register her words, Aurora took one last slit and breathed no more.

To hell and back

2008-10-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

Death. Sweet, sweet death. Come to me and take my soul. I'll embrace you and follow pure bliss.

God, I understand that things happen for a reason but it is absolutely unreasonable when you take everything away from me. I don't understand the purpose. What is reason for me to lose them all? The curse that you bestowed upon me, granting me none of my pleas. Driving me to the brink of insanity, I'm engulfed in lonliness once again.

Hell. Hell is just a fucking word. A word everyone deem as an evil place—a world of fire and demons. In reality—on fucking Earth, it is much worse than HELL. We live in a world of creatures worse than demons; a world where we kill to survive. So what the fuck do you want from me you insolent people? I would say that you all can go to hell and rot there but what's the point when hell will fucking bring you back?

My stoic face—it's bleeding with passion. Lost loved ones; history repeats all over again. Love has made out of me a weak fool but no more. I'll be cold and heartless—my bitch personality. Concealed soul and heart turned to stone. Just leave me the fuck alone. I don't need your shit. What is freedom if you can't be as twisted as you want to be. Our friendship may fade, but there is always that obligation—that knowledge forged of terror and blood and shared violence—that never really leaves.

A broken heart will never mend

2008-08-12T19:19:00.000+08:00

Poem (composed by me):

Tears fall down my face as I read what you wrote
I feel the pain as I swallow the lump in my throat
Tell me it was not true; that it was all just a dream
It was then your final words hit me hard and I let out a scream

Either way, you still end up hurting me without knowing
Yet I still pretend in front of you, false pretense I’m showing
I’m guessing that we weren’t meant to be, were we?
I guess I was a fool to think that you had finally noticed me

My only happiness, strewn away from me once more
Now I give up; I can’t take this shit anymore
For words aren’t enough to say how I truly feel
Guess I just have to leave it be; for only time can heal

A broken heart

All over you

2008-08-07T18:44:00.000+08:00

So I’ve come this far yet I’m faced with a dead end. I still haven’t found the answers. So, is this the end? Maybe if you knew, things wouldn’t end up like this. But, do you know? Or were you just pretending to? Were you leading me on? I tried to forget you but instead you became a pest in my mind, haunting me each day and when I try to embrace reality, silence I receive.

You're not worth the tears. You're not worth the heartache. I don't know why I gave you the time. You're not worth the pain. You're not worth the emptiness. I don't know why I still wish you were mine.

I can't just up and tell you how I feel. It's not that simple for me. Cause if you know what’s inside of my head.That’s just enough to break me. But I won't let you break me.

I’m not going to stress over you anymore. It’s not worth it. I’m not saying I don’t want you because I do. All I'm saying is, I’m done crushing on you. I’ll try to forget it and move on with life. For I can’t keep on holding on, waiting on your false hope.

Eclipse

2008-07-28T19:57:00.000+08:00

Eclipse. The moment of melancholy, where I reside in solitude. Presume I'm morbid, assume I'm emotional but judgemental mortals like thou can sod off. Decisions, desicions I can't make. Contradiction, turmoils I keep deceiving myself. The time for amends has yet to come but I won't wait. I'll go my way. What does thou yearn from me? The climax of depression is the state of vulnerability. Woe is me; forlorn and angst the better of me. Forgive them for they know not what they do. For they are clueless as to what's in my mind. I hath no heart, no soul to bleed. Yet I yearn to love, to feel and to heal. Misery acquaints one with an inability to feel bliss.

Learning to fall

2008-07-19T18:08:00.000+08:00

Delusions. I was a fool. Mistakes; all I'd ever make. There was nothing there. It wasn't real at all. When you initially uttered a word to me I knew from then on that, I would end up with a wound in my heart. And yet, I still fell for you. Now please don't. Don’t smile at me. Don't talk to me because it’s just going to make me fall again. Hard. Because even if you never cared, no one can take your place. Beacuse no matter how many times I've told myself to get over you, I know I never will.

But now, I'm done. I know it's too late. You'll never know so let's leave it to that. I'm ready to be the girl I was before. The one who never fell in love so easily. I'll be heartless. I'll crush all those butterflies inside whenever I'm in your proximity. I'll blacken and freeze my cold, black heart and pretend that we were strangers from the start. I'll never breathe a word to you face again. And most of all, I'm not falling in love again.

Today is the day, the worst day of my life
I'm learning to fall, I can't hardly breathe
When I'm going down, don't worry about me

Eh-hem... attention please (:

2008-07-18T16:39:00.000+08:00

Attention!
Attention! Attention!

May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room
If only, if only for one second.
Will you hear what I have to say?
(Oh-oh-whoa) did I mention when I see you it stings like hell?
To the fact that we could have something that'll never happen.

I have updated my Frozen Infernos Happen Once In A Lifetime series. The link is located in my 'Story' section. Enjoy.

This way to sin city

2008-07-17T16:37:00.000+08:00

Why are humans such ungrateful and unappreciative creatures? Why do they assume that they're God and start judging everyone? I will not listen to mortal creatues because they are my equal. Whatever they speak is never right or wrong so go ahead and assume that I am actually bothered and affected by the words that are spewed from their filthy mouth. There are no saints in this world. Tell me if there is ANYONE in this goddamn world who has never sinned once and I will doubt my theory.

Vas te faire encule. Je ne suis pas ce que vous dites. Alors se perdre.

Emo from my POV

2008-07-16T16:38:00.001+08:00

EMO ≠ emotional

Emo has been part of major controversies between all stereotypes (for goddamn sake, don't use the word label. We 're not part of a can label unless you consider yourselves a piece of meat) just because they're somewhat "similar" to stereotypes such as metal, goth and punk.

Then again, they're NOT similar. Their similarity is based solely on the music they create and support but there is a colossal difference in the genre, the fashion and also socially.

Emo kids are often described and potrayed to have long fringe brushed to one side of their face, normally coloured and straightened. They wear tight skinny jeans, tight tees which often bear the names of their favourite bands, tight fitting sweaters, studded belts, canvas sneakers (converse or vans). The colours are often fully black or colourful.

However, the mass media and opposing stereotypes has started associating Emo with a stereotype that includes being emotional, sensitive, shy, introverted or angsty. It is also associated with depression, self-injury and suicide. To those who believe this theory and to those who created this theory, I can tell you that this is PURE BULLSHIT.

Emo is just a stereotype and culture. It is the people who are Emo who potray depression, suicide and angst. But before you critisize them, let me ask you, have you ever had any of these feelings described? So, does that make you Emo? It's bullshit. All of us teens have felt depression at least once.

So why do you keep picking on Emo? It's their lives not yours. So what if they're Emo? So what if they're depressed and start to mutiliate themselves? Why do you even bother disturbing and picking on them? Are you affected by them? Did they mutiliate you? They just want to be left alone. Isn't the stereotype about the music? About the genre? It's not to differentiate ourselves from others. In the end, we are all the same. Catergorized under humans.

Why must you always judge others and critisize them? Why are you humans never grateful and satisfied? Why do you humans like to gossip and pick on others just because they look different from us? Why are you jealous of them? Why do you make fun of them just to feel superior in front of your friends? What's the kick in that?And if you try to follow them and copy them just because you're jealous of them, isn't that posing? Why pose if that isn't what you really are.

At the end of the day, you are what you are deep inside. It will never change. So why are we destroying ourselves and making a mountain out of a molehill? All these cliques are just intended to be genres of music. Why can't you just be yourself?

Revenge is a beautiful thing

2008-07-15T16:36:00.000+08:00

Did you think that I would give a damn if you hated me and made me the topic of your absurd gossiping? Go ahead and make my day. Spit all your ~~'hurtful'~~ insults if you feel the need to salivate. I do not give a fuck to such degradation. Make a fool of yourself if you feel the need for attention. You are all just pitiful, inferior individuals. You have souls and physical bodies but a such pity that you do not have a life. Take offence to my post and it would not make me feel anything. It will just make you dimwitted fools who are feeling ultimately guilty. I'm heartless, it is not true. I just keep my emotions insulated from mortals like you. Say all you have to say to me. If I do not answer you, sorry I was not listening. Please take your time and repeat yourself okay? But please note that I still would not listen. It was the essence of sarcasm.

Poem (composed by me):

I'll make you wish you'd never met me
And make you wish I'd disappear
You can wear me like a choker around your neck
But I'll weigh you down with fear

Suffering the pain, falling deep into abyss
I'll watch with a smirk as you choke
The biggest secret you'd never get to tell
Ever so slowly I watch you voice a croak

I will let you feel the pain you caused me
And now my blackened heart just won't heal
So raise your guilt-filled glasses pitifully
I promise that your last moment will be surreal

My heart is burning from this selfish desire
I vow to make all of you pay the price
I'll force you to regret this very day
For you are my mortal sacrifice

No remorse, just hatred churning deep inside
I reach out from my arsenal of knives
Sharpen it once more and devour your pleas
With a swift motion, I end your lives

Taking a step back, I admire my masterpiece
With a crooked smile on my face
I see the blood and my revenge is complete
With a final satisfaction, I escape from this place

I need you...?

2008-07-13T23:33:00.000+08:00

Poem (composed by me):

Those short moments we spent
It must have meant something
Moments like no other
Sparks hinting me something

When you spoke to me
You must have felt it too
Smiles and touches go a long way
And then I realise, I like you

Too scared to confess this secret
Too afraid you'd run away
But this feeling's eating me alive
As I wake up each day

Hard times I'm going through
And the misery I can't push away
I force myself to live another tomorrow
For your prescence alone brightens my day

There are times when you feel that things will turn out perfectly - for once. Yet, such situations would just end up backlashing on you and then you'd realise it was all an illusion. At the end of the day, you're left with nothing, just misery for your own foolishness and gullibility. Words seem too strong a power for such a frail thing as humanity who fears not only themselves but an unknown, yet everlasting, reality.

Letter for a friend

2008-07-10T14:46:00.002+08:00

Poem (composed by me):

I still think of you at times
Reminiscing the bittersweet memories you left behind
I hope you're feeling fine
Because I still wonder how your getting on the other side

Busy schedules, different time zones
Maybe I'll catch you online sometimes
Because even if we're broken up
Our friendship will always last

So as I'm writing this letter
I hope you'll read it someday
Your presence here was the best thing I've ever felt
And now I'll do better, just like you said

I'm on my own

2008-06-30T23:32:00.002+08:00

Poem (composed by me):

Loneliness is hidden but shown
Misery is an emotion outgrown
Nobody can ever understand you
You're like an unfinished review

Silent cries devour my misery and sin
Perfection lies deep beneath my skin
Bless my blesphemy to such extent
My massacre, my hail, my end

Sorrow dines lavishly with departure
Isolation present in my stature
Bless the fallen, a message to the unknown
Kisses goodbye, I'm on my own